How would you react to this?

[jesseps]

I ended up asking this girl I like out, she's known for a while now.

 

Her answer was something I did not really expect "I am not really in the mood for a relationship right now. Do not get me wrong I do like you, just maybe in a few months." Plus she said something else like "we can still take it slow."

 

I have known her for a good 3 years now I think, we only started actually hanging out in November. In December when I was on vacation she asked me to go to New York with her, which we are in August. We have already made out twice in the past week give or take.

 

So should I just keep going at the pace its going and just wait.

 

Thing is I sort of do understand her answer seeing its summer and I guess she wants to have some fun and stuff.

 

One thing would this be some sort of "open relationship" or something or its just whatever now and hope it works out in the next few months :egads:

 

PLUS I am not that type of guy to just fool around. I must be the only idiot at 22 that wants an actual relationship :sad:

[JFrosty]

Is someone drunk here?

[jesseps]

sadly no

[JFrosty]

Well then, I'd tell you to wait if you truly feel like she's the right girl for you.

 

Then, in a few months, if it doesn't work out, I guess moving on will be the right choice to make.

 

I mean, you're going to NY with her in August. Could ask her out again then.

[jesseps]

I mean, you're going to NY with her in August. Could ask her out again then.

 

I guess so. I sort of drew up that conclusion today.

 

Funny thing is about a month ago I told her I liked her. She never gave me an answer about two weeks ago she was like "oh sorry didn't mean to keep you waiting, I will come over and tell you sometime" which never happened. Then last week ended up making out with her, which she didn't have a problem with and the same again over the weekend.

 

I just don't feel like being used again

 

Everything in life I do not care about or how things work, but when it comes to this I am a wreck.

[MTLskyline]

It would depend on whether or not she's nice or not. It sounds like she might be a little on the rude side. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship but just a f*ck friend, to put it bluntly. (seeing as you made out but yet she still seems afraid of any sort of commitment).

[JFrosty]

Yeah, I get the vibe that she might be playing with you a bit since she's not really looking for a relationship, and yet she's making out and stuff with you, while knowing you're interested in more.

 

And yet again, she's going with you to NY, which can't be that bad of a thing.

[jesseps]

NY thing not bad that is for sure.

 

I do not really mind her answer. I am just really happy she was able to give me some sort of answer.

[Cataclaw]

Ah, relationships!

 

Introduction (skip this part if you want): You aren't the only 22 year old to want a serious relationship, rest assured. That being said, you're outnumbered! Hell, i'm 25 and i'd say more than two thirds the people my age are still just playing around. I've always been lured by seriously relationships over casual sex, but that hasn't stopped me from getting into way too many relationships that failed. Last year alone i tried my hand(s) at 5.. one was too nice, one was too bad, one lasted 4 days, one was from Texas, and the last one, well, has been going strong for 7 months now and i think she's a keeper for life. I'm in love for the first time since my first girlfriend. Moral of the story: gotta be patient sometimes, and more often then not, the first (or even first few) girls that come along aren't the ones you'll end up with.

 

But anyway, on to your situation:

 

This might not be what you want to hear, but here goes. From what you've explained, you've more likely than not been friend-zoned. "But how can this be?" you ask "we've made out and so and so. She even said she likes me but she doesn't want a relationship right now". Time and time again, guys have learned the hard way that "i'm not ready for a relationship right now" in 90% of cases is a friendly way of not hurting your feelings. Unfortunately women don't automatically equate making out with "i want to have sex" or "i want to have a relationship with you". Sometimes they feel insecure, vulnerable, lonely, weak, and they simply want to feel loved, if only temporarily. A guy who finds himself friend-zoned won't know this, but the make out sessions are not lustful or romantic, simply utilitarian and convenient for the girl. You're satisfying one of her needs - affection and attention, temporarily.

 

A woman usually knows she'll fuck a guy or not within the first 5 minutes. Key word here is usually. Sometimes it's 5 hours, and for some women it's 5 years. But more often than not, in the back of her head, she knows pretty soon. It isn't just sex either, she'll know pretty soon if she's "your type" or not. If she wasn't your type 3 years ago, you're unlikely to have turned into "her type", barring some movie-like heroic deed or whatnot. This isn't to say two people can't grow to like each other, but usually people are able to classify each other pretty fast : "i would date" and "i would not date". "I would have sex with" or "I would not have sex with". etc.

 

This is known as ladder theory. It's often presented in a satirical fashion, but it's been known to hold true, more or less, in most cases. Go read it up for insight and a laugh or two!

 

Now, where was I... so why do i suspect you're in the friend zone? Well, you've known each other a long time and she's struggled to tell you how she feels. This can only be because a) she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, b) she's actually still unsure (certainly a possibility), c) she's shy, d) she feels conflicted.

 

The answer is probably a) or d). With d), conflicted, she probably feels attachment to you and feelings of friendship and closeness, but the passion/desire might be absent so she's not sure how to decipher her own feelings.

 

Now, by this point, you're probably a little disappointed by my assessment, but don't worry, there's still some good news! There's a chance you're not friend-zoned and she's in fact still sitting on the fence. Thankfully, every woman is different and personalities vary, so there's no way to know for sure. But don't kid yourself - the most likely reality for you, and be prepared to accept it, is you're in the friend zone. But there's hope, and still time to see what's up...

 

So the final part of my advice - what to do:

 

I've been in a situation similar to yours a long time ago, so i mean business when it comes to this advice:

 

Communication is clear. And very delicate. You've told her you like her, so the deed is done. Now it's important be clear in communicating. You've got to be careful not to press her too much, lest you come off as a desperate loser. But maintain the status quo too long and you'll end up hurting yourself and extending the uncertainty.

 

There are several things you can do. You can try being very direct with her:

 

"Listen, you know how i feel about you. You know i like you, as a friend, but also more than that. Three years of friendship and some making out have made it clear that i mean something to you too. How much, i don't know, but here's what i do know: There's two things you and I can do. We can stay friends, or we can see how far this goes. But we can't just stay on the sidelines forever, or there'll always be a elephant in the room."

 

This approach is tricky, because if she gets the sense you're pressuring her then she might opt for the safe response which is turning you down. So i'd keep this as a last resort.

 

A more progressive approach is to do as she suggests, take it slow, see what happens. This approach has the advantage of making you seem nonchalant, casual, confident and not too desperate. However, "Taking it slow" does imply you're dating, if only very slowly and very casually. This means you have to do stuff together. Keep the activities going, and test the waters occasionally, see if she shows more interest, see if you can increase the frequency of activities. If you make out more, it might be a good sign, but that doesn't equate victory just yet.

 

Now comes another lesson : romantic cues and interpretation. What's the difference between friends and lovers? Among other things - romance. Passion. Lust. Desire. You need to make her want you. Now's the time to start showcasing your qualities, subtly and gradually, bring up new things, inject some novelty into the status quo. Novelty is a priceless thing for relationships. Good relationships find ways to keep things fresh. Surprise her. Nothing extreme or creepy, but surprise her. Do something unexpected. You need to get her to stop seeing you as only a friend but a prospective lover.

 

Some guys wonder how you know if the girl's really into you... my experience has been with body language. Every girlfriend i've ever had began with body language. My current gf would twiddle her hair and play with it for the entire duration of our first date, non stop. The gf before that, whom i met in Texas at a social event, kept eyeing me non stop during a supper at a restaurant. Crossed legs, eye contact, hair fiddling, blushing, lip moving and even lip biting (very slight and not too exaggerated, as if she doesn't realize she's doing it) are all signs she's into you. If you get this girl to produce any or most of these things in a pattern that suggests it isn't random occurence, then it's a good sign.

 

Wow this post is getting long. Alright, i'll wrap it up.

 

Conclusion : Bad news, 65-35% chance you're in the friend zone, but there's no reason you shouldn't try anyway : be clear and direct when you communicate with her. Never beat around the bush. It shows lack of confidence and is a major turn-off. Look for body language signs. Be novel, be unexpected, surprise her, showcase your qualities (without bragging), try to show her some good sides of you she may not have seen before. (Maybe you play in a band and she's never seen you play). Do things with her, and slowly see if you can increase the frequency. If you make out again, see if you can push it a bit farther, but not too much. Don't be in her face 24/7, but don't become too distant either.

 

This is about as much advice i can give without knowing more details. More details would help, but for now i hope this gives you some insight!

 

And hey, show us a picture of the lovely lady

 

Good luck bro!

 

Cheers!

 

EDIT: Also, If you don't like fooling around just for the sake of fooling around, you might need to tell her that, so she doesn't get the wrong idea and get your hopes up!

[LindbergMTL]

Jesseps, a little bit of advice for you, it works all the time: ignore her. If you have a chance, bust her chops, make fun of her i a playful way, and then give her the gift of missing you. Don't be mister nice guy, or a wuss, it never works. And go read some stuff from David DeAngelo for example.